I am not this man, but my mind is in a similarly blankish/"but there's GOTTA be more, honey" state of being. I'm writing this entry because someone literally gave me impetus. It's small and low in carbohydrates.

Drew is off at camp hopefully having fun and not worrying about things. I feel like I've made the right decision about him in giving some time. I wasn't callous and I tried being just firm, but unfortunately that "something about me" had taken root. After all this time and study, I still barely understand it.

Colleen briefly came on the other night, which was nice but I need to talk to her about something else besides problems. She seems closed off now, gone but present like a spectre. I never should have kissed her that night in St. Louis. Shot a nice friendship straight to hell. I still remember the night itself before that decision, how special I seemed to her, how she wouldn't stop looking into my eyes and speaking. Not romantically, just two people really sharing, being something besides an agreed upon schtick. Now she takes me for granted, never asking about me or really seeming to care. I've tried to bring all this up, but the last time she was busy playing solitare. It really hurts sometimes.

Jen and I had a wonderfully pleasant conversation. I haven't known her long but she's been a good friend and excellent company. One of the few people I've ever known who's emotionally stable AND interesting (nothing wrong with emotional instability, it's just a nice change of pace). We share things, laugh, waste hours like tissue paper...and I don't feel like I'm being used as a resource, proxy, delusional fixation, convenient stand-in, symbol or anything else the human mind contrives to make a person besides a human-being.

Fadedlight is doing very well these days, which I'm rather glad about.

I've been trying to talk to Geri, but it hasn't seemed quite right every time I approach her. We've been close for a long time but recently she seems cold. I feel like I piss her off these days somehow. Alot has been on her mind, though. S'pose I should grow a set and say what's on my mind...ha, which I already did in a passive-aggressive way, but it's worth repeating in private. I just don't want to add to whatever she's dealing with.

So it seems like the job situation is finally going to meet its inevitable conclusion soon. On friday I have to wake up at 5AM to dress in simple but nice attire for my day long expedition to the UC Davis lab. The flight touches down in Oakland at 7:20am...and I leave at 6:35pm. Nearly 12 hours to walk around, make "oooo" sounds among others, talk shop with people who also paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for slips of paper and feel really tired. I'm not so worried about getting the job as the location and lack of social life. I found out today the VA Medical Center is 50 miles from Davis, the real Bay area and Sacramento. Seems like I'm stuck in the middle of bloody nowhere! "Bay area" my ass. I hope they have a 24/7 place to eat where I can get wired on espresso or I'm going to get snippety.

All in all life is great. Yeah part of the entry is passive-aggressive, I admit, but I actually want to do something about it.

previous - next