I received another email today from a doctor at Monell. Her work focuses on how we develop taste and odor preferences, mainly how a mother's diet during pregnancy and weaning might affect those preferences. She went to school at U of Chicago. I almost worked at U of Chicago. It was my dream. I almost worked at U of Chicago. I hate the bitch who decided at the last minute to stay there. I would have worked 70 hours a week for 40 hours of pay. I would have slept in the office on weekends, ordered Chinese in, scared the custodians by bradishing chopsticks at them with grunting noises. I hate that bitch. My job could have meant something, not this blind struggle for 'good enough'. I didn't start losing my hair from stress and pulling away from friends in college just for 'good enough'.

An online journal is really a small newsletter, like moving across a full subway car with a knife. Opening up anywhere you poke something soft, knick up a bit of blood on the tip. That is the price of honesty, written in blood along a nameless human mural. I've re-written this paragraph three times because I lack the conviction to write that honesty. You have to understand that I need somewhere to vent. I have to write this. I'm not used to sitting and waiting for months, my future hinging on maybe's and the oral ministrations of some overly pompous coy white men, their tongues slithering across and inside of me. It bothers me.

...My anger aside, I spoke with Kes again today. We've known each other for almost 5 years. She once told me if it weren't for the fact that I were so much younger I would be her Gomez Addams. Ah Cara Mia, heh. I filled her in on what had been happening job-wise and we got into a discussion about alternate careers.

As some backdrop I recently discovered a sortof...religion called Unitarian Universalism. From the little I know about it I'm so far impressed. Some part of me has always wanted to be a clergyman, but I wasn't raised with a religion to adhere to. It's rather like being a shrink, but being responsible for enlightenment and spiritual counseling within the religion. I think I'd make a good metaphysical minister, certainly an interesting one. There were others I thought of as well: wanting to publish my writing, counseling, going into Forensic Psych. and specializing in cult behavior while applying to become an FBI agent (I've never seen one episode of the X-Files), or Parapsychology to study psychic phenomena. Far-fetched ideas of youth maybe, but I'd like to investigate them all further while I work as a researcher. A practical job with some dreams thrown in.

Now if I can just get the practicality part down first...

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