A few weeks ago I wrote about a boy named Drew. All of the sudden I'd become the answer to someone. To him I was joy and love. I couldn't fathom it. I hadn't done anything. When he said he was going away for two weeks I jumped at the idea. I said we should give things some time to cool down. I was hoping he'd forget or just end up despising me for not reciprocating, not deeply loving him back.

After he'd spent two weeks thinking about me, though, something cooled. Whatever feeling he had was there but it was like bruised fruit. He began to realize I didn't feel the same way and wouldn't. A little over three hours ago he left a final entry, about how Diaryland had too many painful memories for him.

It made me start to think about what impact each of us really has on other people. Do we really make a difference? Can we freely exercise that power? For my part I have no idea. None. I've grown close to alot of people, helped out more than I can possibly remember. Yet, I can't think of a single case where I've had a profound positive impact. I mean you can make someone feel happy, laugh, etc...but does it ultimately, deeply affect a person's life for the better? It must be the same question any educator asks him/herself: have I truly taught someone and touched them? Statistically speaking we all probably have once.

Still, what gets me is that I think it's ultimately up to faith and not being able to know. Why? It seems like true inspiration springs up without thought. When you try to be profound you usually don't succeed (this entry is likely an example of that). But when you pass out while still awake, once in a rare while, someone like Drew smiles at you and you aren't sure what to make of it. Maybe that sortof power within us isn't necessarily controllable. Like movement in the corner of your eye you just lazily wonder "whoa..." and accept it.

And who knows, maybe someday I can accept someone like him.

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