And then I hear a knock. There's dead silence in my head. Am I still dreaming?

"You wanna go eat!?" Grandma loudly says as she knocks on the door. For fuck's sake.

"Yeah, just bring me back something..." I mumble.

"Well...come on!" She says again, "How many hours did you get this morning? Enough? Well you should be going to sleep earlier so you can take those driving courses!" It only occurred to me later that adults would probably have the option of reserving a lesson time whenever there's space. No such luck in quick thinking for my tired ass. I only fantasized about going back to bed.

It was a little before noon and I'd finally gotten to sleep around 6:30. This waking up thing was not pretty. I was definetely not pretty. I bitched a litany to myself about her being selfish (hypocrite that I am) and strategically planned a course of action for my hair. It likes to do this upraised porcupine thing in the back nowadays. I would have laughed at myself for using misting spray a year ago.

Breakfast seemed surreal. People weren't people and every sentence Gran spoke seemed like a different dialect of English. Nothing made sense. Everything vaguely pissed me off because it didn't register. The outside wasn't much better. San Fernando valley is a hell of alot smoggier than usual today. I can't even seen the mountains or foothills. There's a 6 inch dollop all around us, encircled like wagons. The weather was about as lazy and obscure as I felt then.

After that we finally went to AAA to get info about driving instruction. Mike, our service representative, candidly told us that the program they had was only for people 20 and younger. His nose twitched oddly and he had that disdainful "you're not wearing a tie, which sacked country are you from?" look. Yeah, I'm unemployed and it shows, but you won't even remember me after today. Insert slot A into your aperture B, shove, smile.

And after a market run and looking for adult driving schools online, I just want to crawl back into bed. This is not a good day to be conscious. What's more, gran periodically raps her fingernails on my door and asks how my driving school searching is going. I almost feel like a teenager again. My own fault, really, since I waited so long to take care of it.

But enough useless complaining, there are better things that have been brewing. I got an email back from Dr. Jorgosh up at Hiltonvan. Turns out one of his grants came through and he's got 50% of the funding available for a research assistant. Sure there are two other people who also want the position, but I'm better qualified and I'm willin to work part time if the other grant doesn't come through. Financial security is secondary. I just want a foothold someplace that seems decent so I can be productive again.

{insert transition} Jen and I are getting along amicably as ever. I'm pleasantly surprised that we never run out of things to say. It's been nearly three weeks since she was here. It still doesn't bother me that much. I miss her, deeply, but it isn't causing me physical pain or emotional turmoil. It bothers me we can't be together, but at the same time our options are open and we're chill. It's not like the kind of need I had when I was younger. I was mature but I wanted results quickly, things to be resolved one way or another, really know where I was in a relationship. Nowadays...I'm just happy to know she cares about me and is committed to me as a person in some way. I like Ranul's take on things: I'm with a Jen, not a girlfriend or friend with benefits. No attached expectations, just possibilities. I can deal with that across 1800 miles.

What I can't deal with is this lack of sleep. How did I regularly do this back in College? Gah.

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