That insight aside, life is stable but not in a scary way. I feel like I have a handle on everything that needs to be taken care of: I have an appointment next tuesday to get my half decade late driver's permit, I emailed a dozen some odd people I'd lost touch with to keep up my contacts network, been walking and taking pictures at night, even been throwing together another review of well-meaning masochism (on my part or the reviewee is up for grabs).

Speaking about reviewing, Marked Accordingly is getting too disorganized, not flowing right. Every other reviewer besides the editor is MIA. Besides the two of us, there hasn't been a review for close to a month. So, I'm searching for additional volunteer jobs to bulk up my writing resume. Trouble is I'm not exactly in the middle of any scene. I'd love to try writing articles for a magazine, but I only know a little about music, less about alternative anything and I'm not savvy about popular trends.

I've thought of a few geeky things I could do, though. For one, I could apply to be one of those online game administrative/PR people. These people basically help regulate the social commerce and special events of a given online game (e.g. Ultima Online, AO, Everquest, etc.). I've done this type of work before. It may sound lame to many, but at its best your artistic vision can be experienced by literally thousands of people a day. In a way it's almost like being a deity of an artificial universe. It isn't the control I like so much as people having a direct link to appreciate and comment on what you do. That's the main reason I still write here: its as close to instant feedback as you can get.

The other thing I'd thought about is trying to volunteer for an online site that does reviews of either movies or computer games. I spend alot of time doing either, so I figure that might be worthwhile. Not so sure what I can do besides just writing to the editors and asking, but that itself is worth a shot. Businesses love volunteers and I've got time to spare.

I've also been thinking about the situation with Jen. We talked about things and the only way we could be together would be if she moved in with me. The 1800 miles separating us makes things difficult, not to mention we've only seen each other once. On top of those concerns, I'm more or less bound for my would-be job at Vanderbilt U. She has to give alot of thought to not only where she wants to end up, but also whether or not she wants to limit her options in terms of finding something around me in Nashville.

My instictive reaction is to tell her to do what's best for her education. She's a great person and I'd like for something to work out, but it's not practical on either end and I don't want to limit her just for my benefit. Desire is something, but choice is sacred, her choice in this case. In more ways than I can freely say here, I've accidentally become that strange guy in love movies, the one that appears out of nowhere and makes the female protagonist question everything about where she is and what she wants. Maybe I should look pouty on the webcam and talk about what she really wants deep down, get manipulative in that sappy, self-centered way that always happens after some contrived Hollywood conflict.

But then I'm not a stock character who's trying to sell himself like beef or oil shares. It's a life-altering decision on her part and I know she has our best interests in mind. Maybe we'll visit a few more times and see if we can work in person...but then there's still the question: can it work, period?

For once, it's not my decision...and there's a tense freedom in that. She'll decide what's best for her. That's what matters, right?

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