I turned around and stepped cautiously toward the car as it flashed a blinding light at me. It diverted somehow, though, so that it wasn't painful. I put my hands up from previous practice and watched two young officers get out from either side. At 4am they wondered what I was doing. It was more a casual concerned wonder than anything. I said I had a night-job, that I was taking a walk and lived just over the way. What the officer said on the left struck me.

"Yeah, y'know, you looked lost."

The haze of seeing cops as cops clicked off and I recognized a man standing before me. Rather than paranoia, it seemed as if he had some genuinely concerned expression. I asked the officers if they needed to see my ID. For the second time they shook their heads in unison, saying that they just had to check (it being 4am on an inner street in a suburb with a young male in black attire with a trenchcoat). I know what common police procedure is, but just like spirits of the dead they stepped into their car and disappeared. No search for weapons, no ID check, nor a confirmation of my address. I kept seeing the shadow of that man's face as I continued walking, even while dodging across an eventual boulevard to avoid three raccoons eyeing me warily. I couldn't shake how simply he'd stated things: I looked lost. And I feel lost: I don't know where I'm supposed to be.

It's almost funny in a sad way that the only new people I've met in the physical world in the past 6 months are mostly police officers on patrol.

Yesterday evening mom took me back from her boyfriend Scott's place to Gran's house, where I've been living since I graduated. I didn't mind her commentary at dinner tonight or the market run we made afterwards. As we were standing at the check-out line of the Smart & Final, I looked with curiousity at the man's ass that was ringing us up. He had the same ass my past Euro. History prof had. Flat asses puzzle me; no, seriously, I'm envious how much easier getting lower pants sizes must be but still puzzled at the why of it all.

Most of my free time has been spent playing a computer game called Thief. It's incredibly unnerving for a game, in that you strategically maneuver around enemies to, well, do things that thieves do without raising alarm. Besides that diversion, though, I talk to people almost literally all day: old friends, ones I've met recently and some few people who have both of those qualities going on. I'll try to make the latest about my social life not sound like a news blurb; please bear with me:

Jen and I hit into major conflict about three days ago. I was asking her about some problems she'd had with another online friend of mine, cats. She already wasn't in a good mood, but we pressed on and the night went to Hell. She disowned me as a friend twice, but recanted as the veil of anger was dispersed by actual physical sickness. I felt bad for her in a way, but the situation between her and Cats seemed to need resolution; that and two friends fighting bothers me. There was something else Jen and I almost discussed, but I strained her trust in me too much to follow through with it just yet.

I was surprised that Diana had come back online and replied to a letter I'd sent her. I'd speculated about what had happened: perhaps things were going really well for her and she'd just moved on, or I'd upset her in some way. I wish I could tell you the reason, but I don't have her permission on it. Suffice it to say, it was very noble and had good intentions. It's nice to see a good friend back who I thought was gone.

I also talked with G. Moon after not seeing her for a few months. I remember her being a great friend during college: loyal, friendly, loving. Sometimes I wish I could ask more often about her, what seems to bother her so much but only bubbles up to the surface of her journal. She's been there for me, after all.

I still talk with Tammy about every night and into the early morning. In an odd twist, our friendship revolves around being incredibly silly and light-hearted. I say odd because I tend to come off as large, ponderous, serious. Somehow Tammy taps into the wackier side of me and makes gorging it a very pleasant experience.

All that said, I'm going to sleep.

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