I read through part of the exam and then thought of something. I went to the grading section. Suddenly it occurred to me: I'd totalled my points incorrectly. I calculated my new score. Suddenly I felt not so good. That vague feeling I'd had about the whole thing being wrong was right. I should have left myself to my illusion, left well enough alone; Mom confirmed that one politely but right quick. I tried to downplay the whole thing, though, telling myself I hadn't read the entire psych book at the time, how alot of the questions I left blank were ones that I had the right answer to...

Anyway, the practice test review ended up taking longer than I thought. It was time to go to bed. I wasn't despairing hard or depressed--mostly calm.

The sheets slipped around me, my heart resonating against them, chest lightly punching against the cloth--like a pre-pubescent boy or annoying bitch trying to get your attention. Everything was silent except that steady whisper. I'd been here just two weeks prior. I'd learned, though, and I forced myself to remain calm, which involved telling myself things were alright, which lead to telling myself not to worry and just sleep, which lead me to telling myself something else, etc. etc. I'd just start to fade when I was brought back, my heartbeat suddenly stronger. It was another battle of wills.

Hours melted: 7 until dawn, then 6..5...4. I tried mom's technique of imagining I was a growing tree, or strolling along a familiar meadow. It worked mostly: the scene only occasionally grew over with pitch grey desolation or monstrous fangs and sounds. I must have passed out sometime after 1:30am.

----

Waking up was simple; eating was simple; even driving, parking, walking 15 blocks to UCLA and finding the testing site was simple. I was slightly nervous but in control.

After awhile, all of the psychology subject test people were shipped to Mt. University's psych. building. There we waited...and waited...and waited until a shabbier version of Bill Gates told us to wait outside. They needed to process us properly. Processing us properly consisted of them waiting inside the room for 30 minutes, during which (apparently) they didn't distribute or do anything. More time passed. They opened one door while four proctors stood by it to process us. Flies fucked slow and steady to Enigma as we spoke and moved. I got processed before most...and waited...and waited. I focused on my breathing, trying to keep calm and only slightly anxious to keep the adrenaline level respectable.

The plan was to start the test at 9:00am. We finally started at 10:30. By then most of us were more focused on how the staff was disorganized. I guess that gave us a mental break.

The test itself was slow and steady; no major surprises, no sudden panic attacks, just a lesson in what World War I and trench warfare felt like. Many questions were more advanced than what I'd seen on the practice test. I could get alot of those down to two choices. Still, the hours peeled away in time-lapse photography moments..and eventually time was up. I was out. It was done.

----

I very gradually let go of the test. See, I'd been talking with the nappy Bill Gates dude after the test about score distributions..and out of nowhere he clucked his tongue and commented on some dude who hadn't written out the full confidentiality agreement. My heart skipped. I knew it wasn't me--I could clearly remember writing out that thing--but had I forgotten a signature somewhere? Had I filled out ALL the information correctly? I remember looking over all that shit a few times just to make sure..but right after that episode I suddenly didn't concretely know.

That anxiety faded off after I got home, though. Gradually I started feeling...peaceful, even happy. I was finally done with the tests. I could take off the day...the next day...take it easier from now on. I'd actually done all of that studying since 3 months ago for the first test..and near 1 1/2 months for the all-day studying stints. I felt good about what I'd done.

Over the course of sunday I got back in touch with some people, went back into diaryland chat, basically checked out what the hell I'd left. The receptions were positive, the people supportive. I didn't get pissy whining or codependence syndrome from anyone.

I was finally back, happy to be back. Part of me knew I still had to apply to graduate schools, but the worst parts were over.

Now was the time to majorly unwind...which I'll get to tomorrow..

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