Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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When brain chemicals disagree 2003-11-20 - 10:39 p.m. 
It's here again, pressing against my mind with Tourette's Syndrome, visions, sensation, sweeping buttresses and ball gowns cracking against the sky. I keep trying to calm myself; it keeps burrowing; mind narrows; I want to wrap claws like girders around that neck, slowly, easing the breath out like colors during sunset, like the blood that rushes to its cheeks and wells--swelling until air holds no meaning for it.At every turn I've dealt with it: the near sleeplessness before exams, the soft, lichenous voices following mistakes that don't exist. It is a house divided by conflict, like two sisters bitching about something neither can remember clearly. New Age books and impassive intellectuals tell you to swallow the negative, focus on the positive. It isn't my religion, but I pick up the little cartoon books. Even then, it sometimes leaps out at me. I am at once bold and utterly spineless at the drop of a hat. Selfish depressives leech sympathy in emotional games of multi-tiered chess. Sociopaths just remove whatever ails them. All that comes to mind in my case is an overpowering, uncompromising rage against these self-destructive tendencies--which is scientific terms is 'fucking pointless squared'. It's as if I'm trying to simultaneously eat myself at both ends, with just a bit of teeth gnashing in place of dualistic cannibalism. I hate it when it gets to me like this. I try cultivating a calm, receptive state of mind usually. I'm good, I'm moderately paranoid, I'm productive*BOOM* Allthe suddenmypeace FLIES out the window like a drunk albatross, upside-down while sporting enough candles for an music Enya video. I'm probably not making this conflict quite clear. I think most--if not all--people get upset at themselves out of the blue for no good reason. My sudden outlashes at myself feel particularly violent and on the verge of uncontrollable. It doesn't happen all that much--since I'm usually pretty good about finding something to not be satisfied with--but then these random times just happen. I like my self-deprecation to be predictable, damnit! And it's just as quickly gone. I can't even recall why I wrote this entry in the first place, nor why I'm adding a description and saving it. I shouldn't be feeling this tired this early. I still have another 2 hours until I'd be getting 7 hours of sleep; perfectly respectable. Gah, bedamned sudden shifts in brain chemicals! Well, at least I went cold turkey off of my ADHD medication (which also happens to help Major Depression and Bipolar people). Maybe this is a backlash or something. Or maybe my body is pissed off at me for some bizarre reason, or maybe someone is trying to send me a psychic page via Desmond Tutu to tell me their car has acquired sentience and needs clinical advice. Random chaos, random random random random. Ok, focusing on order. The head can clear if you think it can be clear. I don't need to have an entire SOP done by tomorrow. Ok, done. q432jiotqj34[0hy q45yhqqqy53yq 5yq 5y q54y q5u yhq4jqj6j q6 j q 6 jwq6 jw 5 u37k3 7j
The Captain has invited me over tomorrow to watch the extended Two Towers DVD. I at once feel joyous and more guilty than a Catholic in a protestant church. Ok, done. |
