Nowadays hours are falling out of my pockets and whole days swing and jangle. I embrace this. There's a rhythm to it, peering out the car you're driving half-conscious, just another yellow dash counted out to another, continually. You can recall the sensation of perceiving them, but not any one.

I dance very close to not giving a damn. Instead I just indulge in the luxury of being lazy. The work ethic is over-rated. Coronaries aren't. I find that contradiction funny.

Let the months pass. I like the ride so far.

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I swung into finally committing to travel plans. I didn't respond to the U Wisconsin prof's e-mail for a week; not that it was asking for a response, just mentioning the ideal times for me to fly over. I finally booked the tickets for feb 29th and march 1st. I'm still surprised: the guy who's in charge of the most famous primate lab on the planet is interested in me. English majors scored better than I did on the quantitative part of the Graduate Record Exam. All I can say is thank you Dr. Crisco, thank you for giving me an out from Dr. Zivago's land of Discordia.

Not that Discordia has been bad lately. Actually Dr. Ziv has mellowed out some. I'm not sure why, actually: maybe it's my only speaking to him when I absolutely have to; maybe it's my not bothering to contradict him; or, most likely, he's just randomly changed his mind in some way. That's Discordia for you.

Attila has been more chummy lately in odd male ways. I say odd because I never understood why guys--and some women--playfully hit other people. Not hard, sort of that absent-minded shit while they're talking to you. Whatever it means, he occasionally does it on my shoulders or back when I'm sitting down at the main computer. I'm not bothered by it so much as intrigued by why he and so many others do it.

His contribution to the lab is levity and comic relief. Not to say he's just a fool, he just genuinely enjoys playing the part sometimes. I would if I weren't the staff sargeant or the example setter. Attila seems as uncomfortable with Dr. Ziv as I've been on occasion, probably moreso. I know, for instance, that I apparently make the whole situation alot more tolerable for him--and allegedly alot of other lab people. I can't confirm or deny that, being the head assistant and all, but at least I'm helping Attila stay on the path to research. I'm still helping him with alot of stuff he should be doing on his own, but I'm trying to coax him to get into the role of being a supervisor. He's got his own set of experiments to do, after all, that and he'll be one of two people I pass my info. onto when I finally leave Discordia for some greener, more sane pastures.

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Dork and I are in negotiations about getting my ass to Detroit. Funny thing is, getting another stop on my U. Wisconsin trip ticket wouldn't lower the price any. I figure I'll leave for 2 or 3 weeks and have a mini-vacation. Even Dr. Ziv doesn't have any objection. The only problem is getting the money for the Detroit trip, but hopefully Dork's mom can hook me up with a free red-eye ticket. There's always asking him or Sistercookie for financial help, but I know Dork is hard up on cash and I haven't seen 'Seester' in awhile. I've unintentionally been a quasi-bastard on that end anyway. All I can say is that keeping in touch is hard.

So far on my Detroit agenda I have crashing at Dork's pad, meeting Jenn (nope, not Jen from 2002, different person), maybe a few others. Funny thing: one of the things I'm looking forward to is meeting all of Dork's animals. I miss dogs, cats, critters in general. I deal with lab rats every day, but that's like saying you know alot of people because you're a check-out clerk.

It'll be good to travel for awhile, get some new scenery in.

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Near around what's happening right now, Mom left in a near-rage mood about 30 minutes ago. For some reason she really resented seeing her boyfriend Scott's mom in the hospital today. The mom is still recovering from a throwback in health, though she's breathing on her own. She's also got dementia and can't speak, but for some reason remembers mom every time.

It bothers me when I hear how out of control my mother can get. I can still hear her screaming like an animal downstairs, then quietly walking up the carpetted steps, saying goodbye to Scott (who's perpetually in her trailer that's parked in the driveway), then slamming her car door several times before driving off. Besides just the emotional disturbing part, I know that I sometimes want to do things like that. I don't lash out or scream or yell, thankfully. I got my grandmothers's patience and mom's sense of empathy.

I just don't see the point in doling out emotional outbursts onto others. If you want to create fear or hurt someone, do it with a lack of emotion. It lasts much longer, makes more of an impact and trains people better. The other person has no idea what space you're coming from, they can only guess. Just look at fathers who take the distant hand of God approach.

I know, it's not romantic and doesn't involve make-up sex or make-up dinner, but it cuts to the point.

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I have a few new leads on photographing. I want to try out Huntington Beach tonight, which is near the LA harbor. Familiar enough ground, but hopefully the refineries over near there are more accessible than the harbor.

I'm itching to do a shoot again. It's been nearly a month.

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