I asked him how he was doing. He's on something of a polite razorblade, torn in several directions but wanting to spend time upon them all. I suggested that he get some assistants for his project. He mentioned that, so far, I was the only person really working with him. He's right, but he needs to change that. He'll be properly fucked on an ether binge of time loss and improper sleep otherwise. Then again, maybe people need at least one quarter/semester of meltdown fuck-upitude.

Arrangements were made with oral garden paths, wending this way and that up to a question a posed, one which I'd been curious about for a few months now: Just what do the undergrads think of me, Attila?

I was partly surprised. I am, apparently, universally respected, some other bits of workaholic stroking I won't bore you with, and that Dr. Zivago gives me the most shit by far. I felt edified. I'd never been sure if my bid for being an authority figure was recognized. Seems as though I never had anything to worry about on that count.

The flip-side was a familiar negative: I am, apparently, universally thought of as being full of myself. See, I tend to answer a simple question with a complex, comprehensive answer--something like making an entire entree when a person had just asked for a snack. I also tend to say all this with a subtle, but definite air of 'This is my position, I'm the expert'. Attila admits that is probably true in most cases, but it's my approach that makes me slightly unapproachable, makes people feel lowly or as if they're beneath me--not nearly as much as Dr. Zivago, but enough that I come across as slightly to very arrogant. This is apparently the reason why alot of people tend to keep their distance. But I could change this now that I knew it. After all, Attila said (in a few sentences that now seem oddly passionate), I didn't really want to distance myself from these people, did I?

Well, actually--some part of me was secretly pleased to hear that. My goal in the lab has been to command respect, make Discordia efficient, and try to smack down how incompetent Dr. Ziv can make me feel by doing a good job.

Besides those reasons, I'm one of those "if you never say hello, you don't have to say goodbye' types, and I don't want to invest too much of my personal self with the others when I'll soon be leaving anyway. I'd rather help them develop than be on equal terms--although having less of the 'from the font of wisdom!' schtick would probably help in that regard.

Anyway, I listened thoughtfully and agreed with most of his insight. I said I'd give it thought. And I have been.

All in all, I'm glad they respect and listen to me.

Mission accomplished.

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