"You fuck like old people dance"

(Hey, she did)

"No, this trenchcoat ain't for sale. Wait, what? You'll fuck me for it? Man, it's the only coat I got."

"I am not a substitute for a private diary"

"When did getting a fuck rate on the challenge scale somewhere near finding Nirvana or a parking spot downtown?"

"Tell you what, I'm tired: you go fuck yourself over instead of me."

"If you're going to be be a ego-wanking asshat, at least try to sound clever about it. This cafe fucker with the laptop ain't amused--and when anarchy breaks, you're my first skull candle holder."

"Yes, you're a faux lesbian, here's your complimentary kick in the ass."

"Congratulations, you can show your tits to a complete stranger. Now you're a real adult, sweetie."

(Damn right I did)

"Do I look like a 'Sir' to you, dude?"

"Get your God out of my lunch now. I have three lawyers, on-call, just waiting for a civil harassment suit, Jehova boy."

"My balls smell like cupcakes. Hm."

"Calling me in an emergency consitutes both you AND your house being set on fire--not fucking either/or."

"It isn't like all my relationships have been flaming jumbo jets crashing onto busy freeways. Some of them had meteors and exploding sheep too."

"So how's this one-sided conversation working out on your end?"

"Wait, so I sign on your finger or the line?"

"Why is it foreplay? Doesn't fore mean the front of something? Shouldn't it be aftplay? I guess most people don't want to get behind when they can just keeping thrusting forward."

"What is it with women like you constantly smiling and showing their teeth as they talk? Am I honestly supposed to think you want to talk to me or about whatever THAT much? Take two shots of reality and call me in--wait, just take the two shots."

And Finally...

"No, Officer, that's a midget in the backseat, not a toddler. John knows how to hold liquor bottles far better than you or I."

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