There comes a time when adamant studying, skilled dedication, and fanatical binges of waking consciousness must be had.

There comes a time to act.

...

That sure as fuck ain't me right now.

[record screech]

So. Check it. I have until tuesday at noon to do a take home comprehensive final exam. Open book, open notes. I've gone through my notes once. I've looked through the exam questions once. I did the first page because it's matrix algebra, and it was fun.

Wanna know what this work horse powerhouse is doing on friday?

*11:30am - 1:30pm : lab party.

*1:30pm - 7:20pm : studying.

*7:40pm - Whenever : Dan's surprise party.

That's right. Eating, studying, drinking, and more drinking.

Suddenly I've become enamored with doing, well, not much. And I can get away with it too. In essence, all I need to do is look at a given question, look it up in my notes, read a few times, wait awhile, and type out my response on my laptop. Then trascribe it to the test.

It's been vaguely like this for 2 or 3 weeks. I've stayed on top of everything, don't get me wrong. Hell, I mailed out for my transcripts to be sent out, finished updating my CV, and I'm gonna send that out and my proposed fellowship research essay to all the profs giving me a reference letter. I got my ass out of bed at 7:30am and did my cortisol assay. And next week I finally, FINALLY get done with the last of the inflammation protein assays.

So I've worked. But if you transported the me of the first half of this semester onto the scene right now, I would be giving myself shit. I'd also tell myself to calm the fuck down because it's all good.

Seriously. 4 days (ok, 3 1/2, maybe 3 1/3 days) to finish a take-home final that's open book, open notes, AND where we just did a practice final today to find out the depth of detail the prof wanted.

Break out the champagne glasses and Dan-nog.

* * *

What have I been besides working mostly (but not as hard as usual)..

Partly e-talking with Hill. We do this thing where we exchange e-mails online for hours on end. It just makes more sense than IM for the type of conversations we have. Over the last few days I've been learning that, apparently, being polite can equal being a doormat, that if someone does something that bothers you, likely you should tell them about it instead of only doing that for the really uncomfortable moments. In essence, I told Hill a lot of the things that bug the shit out of me about her sometimes. So I asked a lot of questions, she answered, and we had a civil discussion about it all. And she has a lot of respect for me for bringing it all up. Right now I'm working at arguing that overgeneralizing about a group of people just doesn't make sense. Except Fundamentalists and Dominionists. Those fuckers are just batshit crazy.

We also talked about differences in getting to know friends. For me, I don't usually get close to friends. I'm detached in general; pretty damn selfish and self-absorbed, really. Being a bachelor in my mid-20's in grad school, it comes with the job and life description. So when someone like Hill came along wanting to know all my secrets (that she asked about), that was kinda rare and sweet, so I felt/feel connected to her. On her end, she doesn't have a lot of friends, but she gets really close and shares most everything with all of them. So why she's special to me and vice-versa are for slightly different reasons, although the degree is the same.

Basically I've been learning that you can call someone on stuff that you find uncomfortable, or just strongly voice your opinion, and that won't necessarily lead to them suddenly leaving. Maybe I've just had a lot of flighty friends. A lot of emotionally damaged and maimed ones, no doubt. So I'm used to being civil, nurturing, walking on eggshells some because some people are in fragile times or just are that way. And at other times, I honestly didn't care about this or that comment or a preference for something. But apparently I've been missing out on getting onto on the respect train. Or at least I figure this is why I can be attracted to strong people, but they have a tendency to get irritated with me.

See I'm into this harmony shit a lot, partly because that's me, partly because you can't rely on people to do shit except to save their own ego and ass if you confront them about dumb shit they've done or said. Ours is a fragile generation in a way.

Yet if something bothers you, even if its small, you're supposed to voice that. Otherwise, when dealing with a strong person, they'll take this as an indication to keep pushing the envelope. So I decided after talking with Hill that I'll call her on shit when it comes up.

Been an amazingly interesting friendship in terms of completely stopping this doormat complex.

The one problem I had with this is that there is part of me that gets savagely angry at things. It takes a lot for a person to piss me off, more to get me mad. But I admit I let a lot of stuff that bothers me just slide. Ain't no thing, right?

Now one of the problems I have with conflict is that there is part of me that just wants to fight. Get my hands dirty. Really dirty. But I hold back because that's what I've been taught and the harmony deal. The way I've traditionally dealt with this and the rarer bursts of inexplicable rage are to lock them away. Visualize-wise, it most often looks like an anthropomorphic black figure, fanged mouth and white eyes that take up most of the head. Most often it's bound under tight, wave-like tentacles of flesh, with the consistency of tongues. And every time I've wanted to just let go of it, I pull the figure down around tight.

But then earlier, much earlier this morning I finally had a conversation with myself. In my head, mind you. I decided that I was firmly entrenched as a person and that I wasn't going to suddenly shift to, say, indulging in anger, manipulating others, being unnecessarily cruel, etc. It was a very significant debate I had with myself when I was in my early teens. I could get the specifics, but it'd just sound bizarre. Suffice it to say I decided on the type of person I wanted to be.

All of this boiled down to finally, symbolically, letting that anthropomorphic figure go. And while I'd expected something to happen, nothing did. I don't feel more or less calm. Oddly enough, when visualizing my animal guides, the shark has become excessively huge but isn't moving and is in shallow water. And the wolf spider is nowhere in sight. For quite awhile--be it spiritual or merely sub-conscious--things have wanted me to be more aggressive, to not let things slide.

And so another limitation from my growing up is removed.

I guess it had to happen in this world some time.

But if I ever enjoy jackoff sports-oriented male bullshit, you are free to shoot me. The mind cancer will have already done most of the work.

previous - next