One of the profs. writing a reference letter for me hasn't returned my e-mails. My phone calls. I did so back near New Year's, and 2 days ago, yesterday, today.

Nothing.

This is the unknown silence I know too goddamn well, and I am sick with worry over it. If that letter isn't post-marked by the 17th and in the mail, the entire APA application may as well be thrown out.

Because they won't read it.

All of that work, potentially gone because Al might have forgotten the due date. Even if not, it is in the most poor taste to not leave some word that you've sent a vitally important thing off. And so I assume the absolute worst and plan accordingly (including a request not to tell me that expectations influence events).

My one option is to see if Richie is still willing to write a letter. He's on a meditation retreat. He'll be back monday. I told his academic secretary he didn't need to worry about this fellowship. That was before I learned about the post-mark date being the 17th, instead of the bizarre idea that all the shit needed to be in the fellowship office on the 15th (a sunday).

Carol had a lot of patience in waiting for me to reply..and I know she will not be pleased. But I have no other choice. If Al doesn't reply by tomorrow or monday, Richie is my last and only hope. I'd ask Brad, but he wasn't on my committee. He's helped enough in editing my essays.

Another thing I wonder about is whether the Jan 17th post-mark is just for reference letters. Do I still need to have everything turned in on the 15th? It's ready...but on the application form they have 3 slots for 3 reference letter writers. It's one of those writeable PDF's. I could write in the 4th and say it's an alternative. Or try to type it in somehow.

I did everything I was supposed to in order to make this application work. I reminded people well in advance, I was polite, I wrote and edited and edited and edited my essays until I was sick in my head and to my stomach to read them again.

If all of that work goes to waste because someone decided to have an extended vacation, I will have to pull every ounce of self-control not to fly into a rage.

I do not need this aggravation before my one class semester starts.

One day I will no longer have to rely on the whims of others when it comes to my career. That day will be sweet, and never again will I suffer for the thoughtlessness of others.

This is a society ruled by the dead.

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