Mostly it's been related to my current project. I'd gotten used to the routine of occasionally doing proliferation assays. Now, however, I'm beginning with Sarah's help to do the week long stress hormone assessment. Some sampling times are at 3pm. Some are at 8am. I'm not super keen on waking up at 7, but it's do-able. This'll be happening two weeks in a row, then a third week for a third pair sometime in mid-May or early June.

Getting to the organization point sucked. There'd been a misunderstanding, lack of communication, and one of my immediate supervisors wondering what was going on. Her style of e-mail leaves too much to interpretation. But I talked with Sarah, and that got settled.

In thinking about it it's not that bad. I suppose I have a very negative conditioning to working in the lab. I don't want another Summer 2005 deal. Going to the hospital once and not being able to work for several days sucked. Above all I don't want to get that stressed and miserable.

So far as my publication goes, Chris hasn't had the time to hand back the first set of revisions. I've got 2/3's of it done and it 'looks good,' so that's been the least of my worries. The NRSA proposal I have due for his class on May 1st is also just fine. I haven't worked on it for a week, but I'd been ahead of schedule anyway.

I've mostly been focussed either on analyzing data for the 1991 health survey, or working on a 60 minute talk next week. The talk is nearly done. Rather than use a lot of old slides, I decided to make new ones, streamline things, and in general try to make a very complicated set of four experiments more easy to grasp. After I'm 'done' in a little while, I'll e-mail the file to Gabe (immediate supervisor/senior scientist). She's light on the criticism, though, so I should find someone else to look it over. Maybe Chris will have the time to glance through it. Hm.

I finally got Casey started on doing data entry for the 1997 health survey (yes, my 4th current project). Between her and Nicole, we should have all 260 social survey questionnaires entered in another 3 weeks; that is if Casey stays dependable. The main problem with the 1997 study is that Chris is still looking for a master excel file. He had a master's student who wrote a dissertation on the data set, so he's also tried contacting her. Unfortunately the office person he's trying to get her current info from has been silent. So I may have to go over and politely ask her to give me the goddamn phone number.

Sweetly, of course.

And finally, this whole waiting to hear about large sums of money is driving me nuts. I'm currently waiting to hear back on:

*The PNI research society travel award. If I don't get this, I have to take out an 800 USD loan from the University. Chris wants me to go, and I want to go.

*The NIMH research faire. If I get accepted, I get all expenses paid except air travel. I can scrimp together 250.

*The Ford fellowship. If I got this--and threatened to sue my university if they reject my appeal for in-state tuition--I wouldn't have to be a TA anymore.

*The emotions training grant. Again, if I got this, I wouldn't have to be a TA anymore. I'm very highly doubting I'll get it, considering they shell these out mostly to incoming clincal psychers.

*The NSF diversity stipend grant (given here in my department). This is for 2,000 bucks during the summer. 4 people applied, and 2 get 2 grand. There are several advocates for me on the committee, including C. Moore. She and I get along famously. Hopefully that and my looking like Jesse Jackson on paper will get me the cash.

I'm an impatient fucker when it comes to money. I should be hearing back about the diversity stipend and the travel award soon.

* * *

So I'm mostly wound/despondent about work.

I think I also overreacted slightly to some texts that Hill sent yesterday.

Lately she's mentioned that our dynamic resembles one that she had with a goth dude she was sweet on. Trouble is, that was a not healthy relationship and ended badly. He treated her like shit, she put up with it, but then (if I remember right) rejected him. And apparently I'm her and she's him.

So naturally this concerns me because I don't want to get into the same old pattern, the Erin Effect. You long-time readers may be familiar with the last few times. I think my 2nd and 3rd entries on my dating life gives the general flavor (even if they are whiny).

I'm worried because things had seemed stable, but I'm not sure how serious or joking Hill is when she mentions the prospect of the friendship ending. The way she brings it up its as though if things ended it'd be no big deal. If things seemed secure I'd just blow it off to Hill being Hill. But as soon as it seems like things are in harmony and we can just be regular friends, something else comes up that creates tension.

So I never really relax. Maybe that's why I'm still tense and don't laugh much.

Some of the recent text things were stuff like: maybe we'll stop being friends altogether because of the above-mentioned dynamic, or that it may be too late to do anything about it in reply to my saying we can work on it. Maybe I'm supposed to be more of a tough male or something, but because of stuff like that I just never know how secure our friendship is. I am not good at the prospect of rejection in jest or seriousness. It's my oldest emotional button when it comes to people I love. And it makes me start writing shit like all of this, getting pathetic, and digging digging digging for explanations, and a host of things about me I don't like and that I know for a fact Hill despises.

She's not a bad person, she's not an asshole, and I don't think she's usually a bitch either. In some ways she's been one of the best friends I've ever had. So I'm not going to give up on it.

* * *

I need to finish this talk and e-mail on business.

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