I can still contain it. But the emotional act of keeping it from happening is a hard trick to perform.

I just received a second tuition notice, for instance. My fellowship guarantees I pay none of it, or the late fee they want to charge. I was electrified with a livid, seething hatred as I composed a tidy, respectful e-mail to the appropriate parties to pretty please kindly put their incompetence back in their pants and do their job properly.

That was an hour ago. I still want blood on the matter. It could perhaps be that I had to e-mail the person I hold personally responsible for denying me funding I rightfully deserve and arranged. I've given thoughtful and ponderous consideration to finding and sabotaging the person's vehicle. That would be the very least I could do and want to do.

So often I go into a rage over the limitations and small-minded fuckisisms of them all. It's as if life boils down to firmly clasping your shovel of logic in both hands, drawing a deep breath, and beating the ever loving fuck out of your opponent's head with it until their stupidity dies and they capitulate.

That son of a whore cost me 20-fucking-thousand dollars. As a matter of course I'll never give a penny to this place, I'll endorse the departments but condemn the bureaucracy, and far in the distant future still possess the same earth-burning hate I have for this person until the day I die.

The most potent emotion I feel nowadays is raw anger. At least it used to be fear. Fear literally kills the mind. Anger just accidentally kills people if you're too stupid to properly direct it.

One day I'll actually have some power. One day I'll actually be able to speak my mind and exact the proper consequence on those who stand in my way for no good goddamn reason.

Not a more fair idea elsewhere.

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