I thought this would make me bawl uncontrollably. It typically has this effect.

I try it again.

The tin-like digital metering comes, and her voice croons up into neatly buttered metal claws, but there is nothing.

I am planning some route and way to get this all out. It has been coming out all night, but I am standing on a pointed patch of ice, surrounded by murky water, and see down the sloping crags and sharp inclines of a frozen island.

Emily told me tonight that she will not be moving with me to wherever I go for a new job. I am not the person with whom she wants to spend the rest of her life.

In effect, we cried, we kissed, we cuddled, and broke up. I have not felt a true, non-alcoholic emotion other than anger for several months now.

I try it again.

I had occasionally wanted to give it a go with her. She is the only woman I ever dated that was not emotionally damaged. She is my first long-term relationship. We have fun together, we love each other, and the small things she does that baffle or annoy me are relatively cute--sometimes. Maybe.

I try it again.

When I get back from checking out U. Penn. and staying with Daniel and Acacia, I will have a few new things. I will have an outdoor stove I bought so we could eat normal food while camping. I will have several pairs of underwear and shirts with horizontal stripe patterns that were presents or strongly hinted purchases.

I will have no close friends close by. I will have no more frenetic social events with dozens of people that are now rendered ghosts, still stalking the land but only illusions and unknown quantities. I will have the barest of sun-withered long-distance friendships left to rot for over 3 years. I will have 14 hour work days, and whiskey, and working out at the gym, all until I ache and bleed and am lost to my religion.

I will be overdramatic and give not an ounce of damnation and a ton of scorn over the fact.

I will be alone.

I try it again. There we go.

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