I'm starting to wonder if writing here really helps. Nothing comes to me that seems entirely useful to say. There are details about research, or this piece of work, and other things that aren't all that important.

Maybe it's the stress and fatigue, but I'm too focused in the moment to really think about anything else. Life goes on auto-pilot and you're aware of what you do, but can't really remember what you did. I just tried thinking over what I did today and most of it comes up as a blank.

I feel alone and afraid...the alone part I'm used to, but I can't put my finger on the fear. Over the past few months I've felt as though I'm building up toward something. Scenes around me remind me of feelings that I had in the past, but I'm having them there in that moment as well. At first it was interesting, but now it has this gloss of dread caramel-coating it.

I've seen images of things breaking, tearing...some magnificently evil demon pulling me down into a dark pit, its claws burrowed in my back, tight like around a luggage handle. Pain, screaming, it's like hundreds of images flowing by in a split second.

I don't know how much is paranoia or reality. Feels like I'm living underwater sometimes: things seem murky, yet clear, hard to move, can't breathe well.

The worst part is there's noone who can tell me what's going on. I have to figure this out on my own and deal with it.

I miss being with people. I'm around friends and aquaintances plenty, but that reaching out part, it's not there.

I wonder what's happening. I'm entering into familiar places, places I don't like.

Kneeling next to a toilet I wretch, leaving the distasteful things inside me to go away again.

Sitting on a hill, looking out to sea. I see grey clouds glow overhead, the sound of waves calmly coming up to me as I look below to the surf and rocks.

I'm walking around in a swamp again, my home that I never wanted. Nothing for miles, just ichor on stalwart, gnarled grey trees. I can hear the water splashing under my feet as I keep moving. The horizon doesn't change here. The stench is so familiar, like chlorine and sulfur. I missed this place and that deeply horrifies me.

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