Work is pain,

Pain is fear,

Fear is the mind-killer.

My life isn't my own...therefore I have jack to worry about.

Two hours of work yesterday were lost because of a windows glitch. I started getting groggy at around 3:30am. Some of the assignments were excellently simple, others hard as rock. These indications, these signs...I need more focus.

My medication is falling short. I couldn't stay sane without it. The voices and thoughts that criss-crossed the intersection of my concentration reminded me of New York City. I need to be southern New Mexico. If I'm not southern New Mexico, it's back to the house of pain. I'd gone nuts in New York City.

My body isn't responding in the proper ways to the medication and meditation techniques. I've purposefully deprived myself of caffeine for the last few months to lower my tolerance; it's a back-up plan. I can switch back to caffeine pills now and squeeze another 4 weeks out from that. My appointment for more meds is in about that time. I just need to get him to increase the dosage, start taking it around midnight. He warned that it'd cause restlessness. Bless you, sweet Doctor.

A few tests got extended and one of my profs. is being kind with a paper date. He sometimes looks at me wit a worry/curiousity half-breed mix. I say some of these things and explain the time conflicts. I don't get it, but I'll take any bone you throw, sir. It's excellent, a way out, a hole of mercy to stick my head out of and breathe. If it weren't for him and my lack of care in blatantly lying to people to switch meetings, due dates, and conversation appointments around, I'd be screwed.

Someone asked me to go to an improv show this weekend. She's pleasant, thoughtful, and makes me laugh. The notion itself made me laugh...not because I dislike improv, but using up that block of time. I had a decent break yesterday, got 6 hours of sleep; it's damn near on par with pampering.

Sigh. Yes, right, work. I wish you all well.

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