Sometimes we indulge and have long conversations, finding purchase in another's heart and finding a new perspective, some sympathy, or just a jovial kick in the ass to get us laughing.

We can even brood while eating chocolate, getting drunk, shooting at things, or lying in bed with the lights down and a song recycling ever so often. In my case, several of those combinations.

Then there are those days. You know, those days where being savagely lacerated by irate lawn gnomes brandishing bowie knives and fat lemon wedges would have been more pleasant?

This was almost one of them. For it's semi-unique horror, a new fantasy came to mind: I'd go the grocer's, buy a small ham, go back to the dorm, get a huge butcher's knife from the kitchen, eschew up to my room and proceed to stab the holy living fuck out of the thing. Noone's face would come to mind, no. I'd viciously tear into the bastard with lustful, animalistic abandon to simultaneously get back to my primitive roots and commune with my inner child.

2 for 1 therapy specials make me happy, especially when they're in your local grocer's freezer.

I always thought a "stress clinic" would do wonders for humanity. I'd create a chain of them across the country. In them, you could get out the worries and woes of the day in a number of ways:

*An assortment of weapons offered, from baseball bats to .357 magnums, in our state-of-the-art, personalized mauling gallery. A bevy of different targets are available, including manequins, cardboard cutouts, even a series of realistically stuffed animals and humans filled with our patented blud(tm) fluid. For an extra fee, have someone's face scanned and melded onto the target for maximum enjoyment.

*Rage sessions in our sound-proof, fully padded booths, complete with musical assortments ranging from the suicidally depressing to the blatantly violent, racist, anti-nationalist pop songs of yesteryear. Scream along with your favorite artists or just silently fume and then take it to the mauling gallery.

*Fantasy rooms, offering a series of vignettes of modern life from office spaces to suburban homes. Engage these realistic settings with courteous, professional staff in any number of satisfying situations, ranging from mild arguments to blatant verbal humiliation. Security personnel posted for your safety and comfort.

And finally...

*Sub-Level X, domination bunker. Feel like there's a war inside you? Ever wanted to scream in abject pain and ecstacy as your flesh is gently flayed by our not so courteous, professional staff?

Enjoy an evening in the Moan-o-Rama room. From whips and chains to swingin' thangs, our not so courteous professional staff will dominate and sublimate your cares away.

Schedule your own private session or sign up for group sessions. Great discounts offered! See the register for details.

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I'd be rich.

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