I hate harping on angsty things. I honestly think accepting whatever come up and learning from and adapting to them is the best we can do (and bitching about it in the right way can make people laugh; I try). Again, I'm not angry or sad, though maybe I could justifiably be with all this work. I'm..worried.

What worries me is not taking my body for granted, but seeing what my routine has slowly done to it. I don't develop scars often, least of all on my face from blemishes or the like. Yet I could swear it takes forever for my face to exfoliate and regenerate now. I've noticed this for many parts of my body. I can't explain it: parts of me just look, feel unnecessarily old.

Other things that strike me as odd: places on my thighs, even arms, seem to have little to no hair, sortof island natives surrounded by curious tourists standing on end to get a peek.

My diet is utterly atrocious, sleep has been deprived over a long period, and I only brush and floss once a day...which reminds me, my teeth and gums occasionally ache for no reason. Pointless details to you, probably, but they bother the hell out of me.

I'm not invincible, not stacked like Achilles or Arnold back in the day. Given all these physical burdens and problems, my mind is stable, clear, still sharp, even with 5 hours of sleep on average. I wonder if I'm aging myself in a way, or if it'll all be fine when the semester is over. That's what usually happens: a few weeks and I'm ready to go again. I'm not so sure anymore.

It never bothered me before, but I kindof miss having a good constitution. Face is alright still, as far as faces go.

I guess what this rambling boils down to is this: is all of this effort worthwhile? One of my better assets (RedMeridian would emphasize the first syllable) is having a strong body. It takes a hell of alot to dent me, even though it seems to be degenerating in slight increments.

Maybe I'm worrying too much, but looking into the mirror I can't help but think that I might lose more than just friends, hair, or memorable college experiences from all of this.

I can't just push away the questions: "Do you really want to do this? What is it that is supposed to make everything else unimportant? Are you missing things you shouldn't be? This isn't just you...are you hurting others for some needlessly selfish goal?"

I've never worked this much in my life. My resolve is still good..but, is it all worth it? Does the answer matter, even? I don't know what living for yourself means. I don't want to let up or figure that out, but I need to.

I'm listening to Rachmoninov's 'Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini.' It's a gorgeous, soft piece that feels like autumn. It's not sad, but has a touch of the nostalgic, the idealized past. Temperate thoughtfulness, mixed with the wonderful colors, the vibrancy of sunlight passing through clouds overhead. As if life back then moved alongside you, reflected back into your eyes by the bright sunlight.

There are leaves floating all around me, the wind rustling past my clothes and coat. I'm smiling, the world living in some strange, soothing way. Ice..it reminds me of ice running across your hot forehead in summer, out in the savanna; the relief, the immediacy of it.

And as the breeze moves past, the leaves floating past, parts of me begin to fall away. My skin, hair, nails..as if my body were just like the trees beside me. And it isn't the degeneration...but losing me in a moment, all of myself..passing by the red-orange fired leaves to move along the wind, into the swirling updrafts overhead...like flying, free, loose as the sky overhead.

The freedom of a leaf on the wind..

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