Being unable to sleep, I starred at the wall four inches from my face and felt the emptiness of my bed. I started thinking about love, which brought me back to earlier this morning. I was talking to a dear friend of mine, the one who I almost spent Christmas break with. We don't often run into each other online, and when we do one of us is usually busy doing something. Some time into it she sent me a picture. The Horned One having been in a tiff over yesterday's proceedings, half of my hard-drive crashed trying to open it.

She was looking passively at the camera, her child fast asleep against her shoulder. There's something intimately sacred about a mother and a new child. The camera was situated in such a way that it was very close by them, near them. She said that the picture was her way of including me in their embrace. I wish I could tell you or her how much it meant to me to be that close in spirit, or how much she means to me.

Yet, as she's said, she doesn't feel the bond anymore, not like when I used to act as "a light" for her. It doesn't hurt like I thought it would, though I'm deeply attached to this woman. Even when things fade, though, I think you should remember the times where you shared something with others, even if they're an enemy or dead. Those moments happened for a reason, hm?

As I was laying in bed there I thought about the last time I shared it with someone; not just sex, I mean woken up next to someone. The memories are hazy, covered over with film, like they're just abstract representations of something that was once real. I thought about the sacrifices I've made, one among them not getting involved with anyone anymore. To help people and do all the things I need to, something inside me has told me it might be necessary. Maybe it's not, but for now I'm trying to keep that promise.

The thought of dying alone came to me. It used to crawl up my spine like dry ice, a little spider skittering up my back underneath my skin. Now it's dull, blunted like an old knife. The loneliness that filled me with longing, made me cry at night, laying prone and apathetic when I woke up, was a whisper...covered with film, an abstract representation.

I once told you I was willing to sacrifice anything so that I could aid others and help them see their potential. I think I finally understand that sacrifice now...and I'm ok with it.

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