Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Falling down 2002-01-19 - 3:26 a.m. 
Life continues the same way it has been. The rats are still doing well. I cuddle them often. They feel so limp in my hands, trusting me even when I drive a needle into them. I whisper it'll be alright, look into their eyes, and they are at peace; barely even a sound, my own breathing louder.My friends here are meaningless pleasantries. I like all of them, but I don't feel close. When I try to touch Kate, she tells me not to do that. In their smiles and voices I hear familiarity. If I weren't here, I'd never hear from them. There are many people who I am not with and I never hear from them. Yesterday I sinned against God. Call it what you will, if nothing, I felt something old, forgotten. Guilt overwhelmed me when I heard her words in my mind, imagined the tears, felt the blood crush in her heart as it choked down good intentions laced with razorblades. I cut into someone, felt myself through them like some photo negative. I feel hollow inside. It's familiar, warm, inviting in an eerie way. I've lost one of my closest friends. So easy, so quick, it's almost painless, like anesthetized surgery. Maybe it's the shock. I take people for granted until they're gone. It's only then that I begin to think about why I appreciated them, how much they meant by how much it hurts. Maybe I'm foolish, but I'm in alot of pain. Please forgive me. |
