Life seems hollow today. The sudden chill in the air, grey skies, and winds from the north. I imagine walking along a dirt road with flecks of snow falling, not moving too quickly in that way aimless people walk. Classes, the future, how to fill all the years I have left, all of it runs through my mind as the wind cuts through my coat and freezes my hands in place.

I've never liked change. Going through old routines doesn't require that much effort, let's you sortof roll along in a womb-like state of relaxed boredom. Things even come up to break the monotony now and again. I enjoy life like a good english breakfast: bland and predictable with some spicing here and there.

Change means new sets of problems to worry about. For me it's hard to follow health-conscious psychologists who say having a positive attitude is best. When it comes to work I want everything to be exceptional. That feeds into how I get evaluated, which leads to going up another rung, which leads to how I get evaluated, just like a concrete staircase that catches your attention every floor with a new number, maybe a new background color behind it.

It's the typical way most young adults feel about life. It'll pass and I'll find some niche that seems warm and comfortable. That's sortof troubling, though. School gets you into the routine of needing to react to things. With a job it's the same while you're on it, but I imagine you don't carry it home with you quite the same way you do homework or the like. Last summer it was like that. I tend not to think of last summer past the nights of drinking and few times I went out. The isolation and repetition got to me after awhile.

Left to my own devices, I just repeat what felt nice initially. It's a horrible pattern for relationships, or at least the relationships I've been in. Things just dry and shrivel up like aging roses. Reminds me of Ms. Havishim from Great Expectations, just that beautiful moment degenerating into some horrific corruption of itself. I don't mean to sound cynical, I'm not at all, but it does tend to happen that way.

It's odd when you can (or think you can) see past your state of mind and know it's just temporary. I wonder how things will turn out.

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