Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Switching routines 2002-02-02 - 3:53 p.m. 
Tool's '46 & 2,' the sun outside mocking me. My shades broke the other day and the sunlight is excruciating against my eyes. Working, wondering why I decided to do more tests after the experiment was over. These 10 rats, half I've never handled, all seem so calm. It's all routine for them and me. The motions and numbers just flow, without thought, without me. Demons of worry try to burrow themselves inside. They succeed but I don't pay attention. Suddenly I start crying just before injecting a rat. The feeling sinks quickly, swallowed by my stroking the rat without even realizing it's there. It's just fear. Why bother indulging, just ignore it and keep moving. There's an insistence, a need to rush and finish as quickly as possible...but then I don't want to stop. I thought about what it'd be like to do this as a job, silently walking around and re-adjusting things while recording data. Deceptively peaceful; it helps me forget. Alcohol doesn't last as long but it's more fun. I was just getting used to being in the same place. It'll be replaced by another comfortable routine in a few days. I kindof liked the socializing part, but you can't have everything. I kept saying 'I'm sorry' to one rat repeatedly, stroking it after the injection. I wasn't sure which one of us I was speaking to. |
