I haven't been involved with someone for a long time. My last few relationships, if you can call them that, involved me indirectly competiting with someone's ex or the guy(s) they were fucking on the side. Some would tell me about it casually, like some item from a grocery list. Others just grew distant, subtly mentioning all of the ways I wasn't like the person they 'truly' loved.

It bothered me at first. I remember not being able to sleep, just laying there, wondering what was wrong with me, why the pattern was there. At first I wanted a relationship where that wouldn't happen. As time and women passed by, though, I lost faith.

I finally stopped with Erin. There was no point anymore. I knew she'd betray me, even when her cunt was grinding against my trousers, rotating her hips slowly as she pleaded to fuck me like some sex starved whore. I knew better, but I really liked the illusion of love. I was an idiot and deserved what I got.

It's been years and the only thing I miss is holding someone. Recently I thought I was falling for another woman...but then my reason caught me. We talked and it worked out fine.

I was so happy when she said the same thing I did, that it might have been nice but it wasn't practical. I've lost alot of friends because of petty things like sex and romance.

Nowadays I sleep well. It just takes believing in the right illusions.

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