I had progressively gotten more distant/frayed since two days before. That day I was...I don't know, I felt homesick, tired, and missed Colleen smiling at me. I was losing faith in who I naturally was, since that seemed to bring people pain. I've always been absent-minded, but it had never been so hard to be attentive. I desperately tried focusing all of my attention on them, snapping myself back into reality when I wandered. It took all my energy to stay in the now...and even then I missed obvious things and Colleen got really exasperated.

I literally couldn't help it, I didn't mean it. I'd miss a word, or one of the two would be talking to the side or in front while I was in back. I was trying to simultaneously relax and push every ounce of energy I had into work. I don't mean for it to sound horrible...it wasn't...but it was a hell of an inner conflict.

We walked around for an hour and thirty minutes in a huge park trying to find the Science Centre entrance. Colleen was sortof certain where it was. I was still getting used to things, her, and took alot of comments she made the wrong way. I see now that all of it was very beneficial. It may have hurt, but I was learning where some lost buttons were, how to be more tolerant, how to interact in a normal way as opposed to the college way. I had to deal with my flaws, most of all that I was far from perfect and had to accept my shortcomings.

The fight we had there showed that to me...what I had to lose from low self-esteem and assuming the worst with people. I took it personally at first, but then I started seeing what I'd always wanted to change about me. Yet, I partly wanted to defend myself with counter-examples and show how she hadn't been easy to deal with either. To be honest I showed no resistance because I recognized some things she mentioned were true...that and I think she already knew what she wanted to work on in herself. Sappy as it sounds I was learning how to love her for who she was, not to expect the ideal of our first few days together.

She dropped me back off at my hotel room after it'd gotten late enough. She later phoned and we had a long conversation about how we'd mostly been fighting. Basically I switched my departure for friday instead of sunday. We didn't get along well in person. It wasn't me, her, just the way we interact with the world and perceive things. This is just my opinion, but I think we'd wanted to bond so deeply, or already had, that the complications and setbacks were frustrating. I swear Murphy's law was in effect half the time.

Even with all that, though, neither one of us were disappointed. I found that out my last day...

previous - next