I started doing research for this "critical review" assignment in my neurohormones class. Basically I'm tearing a new asshole for some researcher's paper back in '91. He was the first guy to point to some 'conclusive' evidence that sexual orientation had a biological basis. Not only do I tear him a new asshole, I study up on the references he uses and make damn good and sure to find every tiny bit of error in there. It's two pages long, but the reference work is a good 80 or so. Less porn for me, I guess. Ah well.

While I'm being shallow, petty, selfish and unforgiving...and just happening to be on the subject of things that annoy me...that dead horse known as research has twitched yet again. You can only smack the god damn thing in the head with a bat so many times, folks, but I really starting to wonder about this one.

It all started a few days ago when I went in to talk with Dr. Yomtoth about the proposal we've got on tap (no, he's not the beaten horse...at least so far as my hand goes). It finally got approved, which is nice. Of course there is the small problem that we can't order any animals, the animals we MIGHT be able to use are of 5 different species, and I don't have any hope for this experiment except to test out how flame retardant it might be when it crashes and burns in a pyrotechnic orgasm of fireballs and sulfuric delight. But hey, if it looks like I'm being clever and that impresses the department what the hell, right?

So we're sitting, chatting while we smile about the vagueness of it all. He then mentions a few things that I "could do if I've got the extra time."

Translation: I need you to do this for me. We aren't getting shit done and you're all I've got.

I nodded thoughtfully and said sure, the end of my week was more open than a really open thing. He mentioned Omega Kate's honors project and the fact that they still hadn't found anything (i.e. jack shit). I've taken a brief look at the data and it's a hopeless complicated mess. So he turns to me and says that he'd like me to "take a look at the data and try to find something we might have missed or looks interesting," along with "Kate's decided she..ah...heh, has other priorities. You know how research like this is when kids get accepted to grad school."

Translation: Kate isn't doing shit because she doesn't need to do shit anymore. There probably isn't anything there but I need you to do the REALLY nitty gritty grunt work analyses just in case she and I missed something. She quit on the damn thing and I tried but I'm too busy. By the way, nice hat.

I ask him what I should focus on. "I don't want to bias you," he says.

Translation: ok, I lied, I spent five minutes analysing the thing. I had a meeting. By the way, that's a really boss hat!

So then I start going on about how I'll analyze things, compare them with Kate's stuff, etc. He stops me mid-sentence and says, "Ahh...I'd prefer that you not bring this up with Kate. See...we're not going behind her back, but y'know I don't want her knowing just yet."

Translation: Not only do I want you to do this, you're not supposed to be doing this because this is HER analysis and she knows it. You won't get any official credit for this. If you are caught behind enemy lines, I will disavow all knowledge about your affliation with us or existence in general. This conversation will self-destruct in five seconds. Go to it, tiger!"

I passed out into the halls as his office errupted in flames. My work was cut out for me...and I still haven't heard back from that lab in Chicago. Ah well, at least I have a nice hat.

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