As I walked up to my mother and grandmother I felt very distant. I charmed them during dinner and showed them the various places this midwestern hick town has to offer...but in the back of my mind they seemed like many friends I know: very familiar, yet somehow apart from things. I could describe their favorite activities, what intellectually stimulates them, even favourite foods and plants...but there's a quality of distance to them that I can't shake. I look at a person and I see their lips moving, I understand they're a human being that thinks...but all I see usually is a piece of the backdrop. I wonder sometimes if they'd ripple if I poked them, a jelly-like liquid skin reverberating. It's getting harder to see people as people.

Distance. Recently it feels more palpable. For some reason I've been having Deja Vu more often, getting a bad feeling. I assume it's just what humans do when they move away from something familiar so I don't worry myself much. It's troubling, feeling yourself fade in and out. I don't know where I go, but leaves me wondering if I relate to people the same way I used to. I constantly have to think back to what is routine with someone, how I am supposed to make them feel, what emotions they're used to me expressing, what concerns. It's as if I'm there and not there anymore. The other half of me is somewhere else, maybe just too tired to give a damn about anything.

I got my finals back today. I did slightly worse than I expected. It doesn't matter to me. The present just loses meaning and becomes a memory, and I barely glance back, usually just to remember how I failed in this or that way. It all loses meaning, fades off until someone comes and lends their meaning to it. I feel like a dynamic repository, like a more useful version of Google.

Memento just feels true, life lacking substance in some neutral way.

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