Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Godlike, boglike 2002-07-27 - 9:31 p.m. 
It's hard finding energy these days. I keep telling myself I need to look for more jobs, need to keep applying, can't just rely on one maybe but it's hard to give a fuck. Sitting in this chair puts a little of you to sleep, and it just spreads as days flicker past. This kind of comfort turns into a prison. I can't just nod off and relax. I sit down and another day goes by, put something off and another week goes by. Time distorts around the edges and I feel like I'm rotting. I can't keep going on like this.I think anger and fear are connected to excitement and passion somehow. In the back of my mind is some strange fleshy covering, burying some part of me under folds and crevices like a pussie gum infection. Lethargy puts me to sleep and makes me believe things will just fall into place. I'm lulled by too many voices, too many people. I lose focus and grow stupid. But then I come to my senses and slap myself back into reason, set fire to all the weeds around me and cut myself up and away to breathe. This is the game of modern self-preservation. When it comes down to it we just scratch on day to day with nothing but matchbooks and sarcasm in our pockets, lighting up methane delusions in some antiquated circle jerk in the dark. The only reason you're alive is because someone has decided to let you live. We are more than the sum of what we consume unless we are consumed by it. The only point you have is wherever the pencil happens to hit. You are ultimately thrilled and desperate, sky high and fucked. And all I'm waiting for is something worth waiting for. |
