The biggest positive to happen happened the friday before last. Which requires some preamble.

Sarah and I had finished the monkey work, and she processed the data while I ran off to the Hertz poster session at the union. I'd spent 3 straight hours running around campus to get the thing printed, it came out well, and finally I could give my psych department spiel. There weren't many people that came by to my poster, I'm thinking because biological psychology is like the incisively brooding old grandfather of the family. Those who did come by did stick around for the whole 15 minute speech, though. There was also beer and party platters, where salami and cheddar makes every afternoon better.

So after the thing was done and people and I were planning on getting drinks someplace, I randomly decided to check my e-mail at the union. Something from the Ford Foundation. Colleen had sent out an annoucement about Lisa getting it--and at the time I was enraged. I'd helped her with her app. She'd used my past app to work from for the 'diversity' essays. Yet she got it and I'd received no word. I was easily the more worthy for the honor.

And suddenly that shattered all around my feet. I read through the weighty email and came to a conclusion:

I got the fellowship. 3 years of solid funding.

Katie and Dan were standing about in post- poster session talking. I called Katie over. I needed a second opinion. Her doing the all dimples thing after a long pause of reading confirmed it.

I and everyone I mentioned it to was extremely excited. The night out became a true celebration, with myself, Lindsay, a round of 1st year psych grads headed to the halloween bar. Not it's name, but it's all I can ever remember it as. The first few hours were fantastic. It's always a pleasure looking at Erin G, and the conversation was pretty laid back. Toward the end I wanted to punch the son of a bitch to my right whose voice could crack glass. He's that bearded guy I almost thankfully never see who's fucking someone or something.

I've been getting a handle on whether I needed to TA after getting this award (I don't), if I could take the award ALONG with the emotions training grant and net me some major cash (probably not), and when if I could come up with some combo to get one thing deferred to take the other (not realistically, but the grant committee didn't flatly say no).

It's taken other people being excited for me to really realize the good turn of fortune. I just assumed I'd get the thing, and I guess since I did it just validates my belief, rather than being something to have a prolonged mind orgasm over. Although it did help knowing that only 60 people out of 960 got it. I'd been excited about the training grant because I wasn't expecting it, I guess.

So, relatively free money and no TAing with no more students randomly forgetting to fill in their student ID numbers. Yay.

* * *

Other developments:

*Nicholas is alive and well, having gotten off of some meds his psychiatrist prescribed. He's himself again and I'm glad. He's been working with several of Dennis Cooper's folk on a trailer for Cooper's new fiction anthology. It's blossomed into a whole online interactive ordeal. Nicholas wants, among other things, some of my photographs. Done. I'd be happy to get them out to a wide audience, especially the Detroit ones with that edgy urban feeling artsy people generally like. There's the possibility to do other stuff, but neither he nor I know quite what yet.

*Along kinda the same lines, Nicholas showed Cooper some of my "stuff." I'm guessing the photography, given that alll I have online is a half-finished serial short story at Marked Accordingly. Apparently the guy was "floored" and all sorts of impressed. I don't necessarily know if this would lead to anything international that Nicholas suggested, but at the least it's nice for one artist to validate the work of another. Him being sorta kinda famous makes it purty.

*Florian and I have made progress on the main plot of U9R. The fan base has thankfully been patient. The 20 some odd person team has thankfully stayed intact and productive. I haven't put in any real work in months, but mostly I take Florian's lead on that count. I just haven't felt motivated to write, or too busy, or some combination. Still, when we do brainstorm and I write, it's really something. He's a great collaborator and leader. Hopefully the game'll be out by the middle of next year. That'll be another place to showcase my photo stuff (as paintings in game, for instance).

*My teaching assistant union's 2003-2005 and 2005-2007 contracts are getting pushed through the state senate quickly. It could be that by June 1st I get a lump sum of back pay and benefits. That'd really help with the summer--although there's the possibility of getting a Ford fellowship check as soon as July. As least that's what I'm requesting.

*I recently discovered the wonderful world of abandonware and ROM games that can be emulated on a PC. I played through Pirates Gold for sheer nostalgia ,and Arcana because I've waited to beat it for over a decade. My sights are currently on Earthbound. It's so quirky that I'm vaguely in love.

Mostly it's like a wonderful wash of nostalgia. It's more or less my childhood (which could or could not be pathetic, but that's how I spent most of it). That and games back then really were better made.

*I'm done with everything for the semester. I'd been planning on sending in my NRSA proposal (10 pages, 11 arial font, single-spaced) on the same day it was due in class. I kinda don't need to do that now, but the thing has basically been done for several weeks. So while everyone else takes today to do it at the last minute, I went out, bought groceries, and am in the process of goofing off. Oh I could do a lit search on what'll be my second paper, but fuck that at the mo'.

*I have kept the weight I lost off and started doing muscle exercises. Mostly just crunches, push-ups, plank poses, simple stuff. For the first time in a long time I'm proud of what I look like physically. I'm a tad obsessive about it still, but less so now that I realize I won't suddenly gain lots of weight overnight. Having been overweight or fat for most of my 20's, it's like being a new person. And all I really did was eat a lot less for awhile because Chinese food makes me feel full easily. That was it.

*I found two new assistants that seem competent. I interview 15 people, so I had my pick. Brandi was always my #1 choice. I can't argue with a 3.97 GPA, kennel experience, and previous research experience. I'd have to be a fool not to take her on. The second position was much more difficult. It came down to the hippie girl Rachel or the sorority girl Katie. Katie came to the interview in a miniskirt and a tight shirt. She was intelligent, she asked good questions, she even obligingly crossed her legs when the whole sitting with legs uncrossed thing kept snagging my attention. I just got the sense she was a bossy bitch--that and I just don't like typical sorority girls. Rachel was a little on the cold side, but probably asked the best questions out of anyone. She has a 2.9 and no previous experience, but I'm willing to take a gamble. I know Brandi could take care of everything if Rachel doesn't work out.

*Tania is threatening to pay for me to come out to Detroit. This is delightful, since money isn't coming until later. I need to figure out when I can take a break. Probably not until I train the assistants.

*I think I met someone here of the female persuasion that I jive with.

Her name is Katie. My how that name crops up. Yes she fits the same typical profile of highly intelligent and emotionally unstable. Although I must say Bipolar is far easier to deal with than Borderlines or Histrionics. Give me someone with an Axis 1 disorder any day. I've only known her while she's been in a hypomanic state. She's insightful, playful, quirky. Really quirky. Good friend material if nothing works out. At this point I've given up on finding someone who's both stable and interesting enough to hold my attention (and who happens to be hot).

They do not exist in our reality.

I am attracted to chaos in terms of friends and mates. I accept this. About my only criterion anymore for seriously considering someone to date is if they're genuinely single. And the interesting and hot things.

Basically, back on thursday, we ended up spending most of the day together and up through 'til after midnight. It probably would have continued longer but I had to get up at 7 to do a blood draw.

I'll try to be a conscientious diaryist and post details later.

*Psych grad Katie and I had a friendly bonding moment at Lindsay's gangsta' themed part for her 24th. Again, more on that when I don't feel like typing is running a marathon.

Despite all of this good stuff (or maybe in part because of it), I've started to notice my dysthymia or depression coming back.

I think it's dysthymia. It's the same thing I've had all of my life, really, but it's gotten worse.

I have less energy it seems like, which may just be due to long stretches of sleep deprivation. I'll get into those moments where I sit for 5 or 10 minutes and stare off into space. And even really big things happening that should be all sorts of orgasm inducing for a week don't phase me much. I was more concerned and then upset and then angry over not being able to combine my Ford and emotions training grant awards, or having to figure out the Ford logistics of if I got tuition remission and that stuff.

I guess I've noticed it for things I expected to happen. Even if they're positive it's like, "...Ok, cool." Like I said, it takes other people being happy for me to realize that I should be happy too, but I'm not about those things. I'm not expressly miserable either (at least usually).

It's hard to explain subtle mood disturbances that aren't a part of normal fluctuations. I'm just more sad or apathetic lately, where I hadn't experienced any of that for awhile. It's like being back in the bog sometimes. Not nearly as bad as it has been when, say, I was unemployed and fat.

One thing in particular is that I've been intentionally bringing myself down slightly more often lately. I do that anyway now and again just because it feels right. Bipolar Katie fervently suggests that's something I should never do. Sometimes though I just want to feel emotion, and doing that with positive things just feels fake. Happiness itself usually seems or feels fake.

I've been able to relax more recently. That's thankful. Let's me just rest up more.

Yeah, that's it, I can't write another word. I hope you're well.

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