Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Obsessed 2003-10-16 - 1:07 a.m. 
The voice is getting more insistent again; not good, but then it's hardly unexpected. I keep hearing questions like 'Are you going to fail? Do really well? Excellent? Are you a failure? Is science really what you want to do?' They swim in my head, fleeting gnats with life-vests, seemingly psychic in knowing when to buzz you. I have this idea that all thoughts are critical, that the brain wastes nothing. I keep arguing with myself to stay calm, that it's ok. It's a push and pull that doesn't register for the most part.I'm feeling more guilt now for the extended times I take from studying. Anything above 10 minutes is lavish these days, but sometimes you just need it. I took out an hour today to watch 'Carnivale' after I'd just finished dinner 30 minutes ago. The guilt was bad at first but gradually I forgot about it. The episode was a cocktease but I'm a sucker for surrealism. The test is 6 days away. 5 more days of diurnal-nocturnal memory vicissitude--body sculptures of the mind, dancing while being carved. I spent all day today (technically yesterday) completing 3/4's of the math review that the testing company provides. I even made it through 120 words, though I wanted to polish off twice that. Only a little under 800 to go now. I'd also wanted to do another half practice test today, to keep myself in shape for the real thing and train myself to go faster. Somehow 6 days seems alot closer than 7. ---- I had a terrible dream this past morning. I was sleeping in for an hour and found myself at an old town with wooden houses. A meeting of some kind was going on. I was inside listening to a speaker, or trying to make a point about something. Suddenly the people gathered around me begin to distort and swell. Flesh was flayed and flaked off, like fresh road rashes, piercing through these knotted clumps of skin. I lost sight of myself but the creatures swelled further. It was like reliving the final confrontation in 'Akira'. The countryside crumbled under these teeming mass of bloated, lacerated skin. I saw myself in occasional side flashes, standing next to two bloated creatures--similar to the ones I saw but not growing. The room was cast in a green-blue. I want to forget about whatever all of that was. The images stuck, though. I'll be sure to remind myself that sleeping in sucks. I need to start getting up earlier anyway. ---- Random public service announcement: There's no shame in self-pity or worry when there's clear and present danger. If someone tells you otherwise, give them shit, hell and a finger in that order. |
