We got a 74. I was numb for the first five minutes, trying to reason out precisely what had gone wrong. I hadn't eaten yet so all of the comments were one big fuzzy blur.

I went to eat lunch with the usual people. Raymi attempted to make faces and me. I starred at him like Hitchcock presenting the intro. to a story. Everything was just sortof a human blur, noises, faces, conversations. Nothing really registered.

Erin looked over at me now and again, in the usual fashion. It's so strange: with three exceptions, she never replies to any letter or message I send her, never talks to me unless I ignore her, yet sitting by her I know she checks on me as if looking for something. She usually doesn't say anything when there is a major confrontation or a particular subject hits too close to home. I guess I've been a particular subject for a year or so now. It really hurts still.

The friendship itself is bound-up in conflict..practically based off of conflict. I try to be open, but something must be wrong in my approach. I like to talk over problems, smooth things out, she..well..there's an odd, implicit understanding you have to read, like oil moving from side to side in a bowl of water. She's said she's "really shitty" with interpersonal relationships, but she has no problems with others besides me. Did I get too close, or is she still bound up by the whole intercourse thing? Both?

I love her, but some people just keep hurting you again and again, even if they don't mean to. RedMeridian, Cpttylor..I think everyone knows one person that pushes their boundaries. For me it's her..and as corny as it sounds, she's shown me that I can still love someone despite the pain.

Most calming thing about the day was tracing a human brain..well, a slide with a micro-thin section on it. I projected it on the the side of a wall, tapped up some long paper sections, and just started to draw. After a little while this Italian Aria in a Baroque style started playing in my head. I relaxed, outlined things, felt peaceful as I moved from section to section. I could imagine all of the students before me, stretching back over hundreds of years, that had done the same thing I was doing.

I started feeling better when I saw what the average was for my lab. We all pretty much sucked..but I'm still going to try to defend my work tomorrow.

Have a good night.

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